


Another Missed Goodbye

by HornedQueenOfHell



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Beauregard Lionett Has Issues, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Loss, Major character death - Freeform, Minor Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, Multi, Self-Loathing Caleb Widogast, Shadowgast implied, Spoilers, Up to 124 canon compliant, Widomauk implied, episode 124 spoilers, fireside chat spoilers, fucking angst yo, treason reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29374005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HornedQueenOfHell/pseuds/HornedQueenOfHell
Summary: The Mighty Nein don't seem to have learned from the last time they lost someone, and then it happens again.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, Fjord/Jester Lavorre, Mollymauk Tealeaf/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 2
Kudos: 49





	Another Missed Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Working out some feels here, no I'm not okay about any of it.

It starts with the sending. Jester casts the spell with her usual aplomb, chattering to Essek about if he’d had any news for them on the info about the Nonagon, Cognouza ward, or the Somnovem... only for the spell to fail. Jester’s brow furrows,

“It didn’t work, let me try again. _Hey Essek, it’s us! We’re trying to reach you, please message us back. Are you sleeping, pooping? Dreaming of kissing Caleb? What it’s a fair_ question, dammit I ran out of words!”

She shrugs in the face of Caleb’s hiss of her name that caused her to distract from her word count. The playful look on her face falls as the spell fails again. “He didn’t answer you guys, I’m worried.”

Beau scoffs and leans against her staff, “He’s probably asleep Jessie, or doing sketchy shadowhand shit. Seriously,we can’t trust him.”

Veth nods her agreement as she checks through her pack to see if she has anything suitable to give her son as a gift. Damn Lucien for the millionth time for taking their bag of holding. “Why don’t we just go back to the outpost. I’m sure he’s there and we can ask then.”

“Ja, we could but Essek did also say that maybe we should keep our distance so we’re not all creating one giant target.” Caleb points out.

“And we don’t even know if that was true man. Essek was shifty as shit last time we saw him, even if it did seem like he was telling the truth we don’t know with him.”

Caleb hid a wince at the accusatory tone in his friends voices, if they felt that way about Essek how must they feel about him? Watching Essek curl in on himself in the way Caleb had for so many years was a painful glance into the mirror. And god did part of him want to snap back at their accusations some times. To point out all the shifty people they’d worked with in the past without any qualms at all. Hell the Gentleman had admitted to human trafficking and they’d just let it go after a stern word from Jester that he stop?

But this was getting them nowhere, Essek wasn’t responding to messages and they needed to talk to him anyway. Discuss the possibility of arranging an expedition into Aeor now that they had reached out to their contacts and found people willing to fight with them against Lucien and the Tomb Takers. Maybe he and Essek could spend a little time figuring out a way to get their friends to Eiselcross safely, without the wild magic hurting anyone.

After a few more minutes of squabbling it’s decided that they’ll go to the outpost and visit Essek. And a little more prodding from Jester for Caleb to risk the dangers of teleporting them there. Blessedly they arrive in one piece, much to Caleb’s relief, and walk into the outpost after flashing their symbols from the Bright Queen again. 

The outpost is incredibly tense as they arrive, the soldiers' hands tightening around weapons in ways they haven’t since the Mighty Nein had first arrived in Xorhas. It’s Uraya, not Essek, who eventually steps up to greet them.

“You’re back.” She says surprisingly sharply, it startles them a bit; Essek had looked at her warmly, like he’d considered her a good friend. So the Nein were having a hard time reconciling her behavior with what essek had said about her and how she’d sounded in her message to Jester.

“Hey! We’re looking for Essek, is he like super duper busy right now or something?” Jester asks looking around the fort like she expects to see him floating around the corner any second, honestly they all kind of are.

Instead of an answer Uraya hawks a wad of spit into the snow at the Nein’s feet, “Luxon damned traitor was taken back to Xorhas for sentencing. More than he deserves if you ask me, should have been turned out into the snow and left there.”

The Nein feels ice run down their backs.

“Traitor? What do you mean Uraya?” Fjord asks, looking to turn on the charm if needed, this was not good. The little goblin squints up at him mistrustfully.

“Anonymous message was sent to the queen. A recording of Essek handing over the beacons to the empire scum. It ain’t public knowledge yet but not all of the soldiers are as quiet as they think they are. At least the younger brother did his job the way he was supposed to, keep some honor to the Theyless name.”

Oh no. The Nein share loaded looks, Essek had been found out.

“H-How long ago was this?” Fjord asks again, he feels Jester’s small hand slip into his and he squeezes it tightly.

“Ehh, a few days ago now. See how that bastard likes being the one behind bars in the dungeon of Penance for a change.” With another curse in Undercommon that made even Beau raise an eyebrow Uraya leaves them to go back to her duties in the outpost.

“Now what you guys? Should I scry on Essek, do you think I can?” Jester asks looking to Caleb, considering that pendant he was so attached to for a while he’s kind of their resident expert.

“I do not know Jester, all we know is that this is not gut.” Caleb shreds the edge of his scarf between his fingers until Caduceus’ steady hand on his shoulder stills him.

“I think it would be a good idea to at least try. See if we can see how or just where he is.” Cad tells the group.

“Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.” Jester clasps her symbol to the traveler and talks quietly to him. The others see the flicker of the green cloak around Jester and hands that curl over her shoulders. But only Jester hears the sighed apology in her ear as Artagan says that he cannot locate Essek for her to scry on. When Jester opens her eyes again there are tears in them.

“Take us back to Xorhas now, we have to find him you guys!” There is some minor grumbling before everyone eventually nods and agrees to set aside any suspicions until they find Essek again. 

Sneaking back down to the cellar slash room Essek had granted them on their last visit to the outpost they once again choose to not spend a lot of time there and once Caleb had completed the circle they jumped through to the Lucid Bastion. 

Unlike their usual appearances in the circle below the cathedral lately this time the weapons the guards carry are completely drawn against them.

The group begin reaching for their own weapons when someone in robes steps forward holding up a hand.

“The Mighty Nein yes? Follow me please, her Highness would like to speak with you.” Without waiting they turn and start walking. Concerned and apprehensive the Nein follow with hands still ready on the draw.

They don’t even get to sweat things out in the waiting room with the water fountain this time, they are dragged immediately into the throne chambers where Queen and council currently reside. 

All chatter in the room ends as they are brought forth, seven sets of eyes immediately darting to the empty chair where their friend had sat on their previous visits. The Bright Queen’s staff taps the ground demanding their attention snapped back onto her.

“Some disturbing news reached our ears several days ago, your presence here confirms as such.” She stands and steps to the end of the dias staring the group down with very thinly disguised disgust directed toward the adventurers. “What did you know of Essek’s treason, come clean now and I will be merciful.” 

“Well, your Hig-” Beau covers Veth’s mouth and steps forward offering the queen a stiff half bow. 

“I know that we spoke to you once previously about the possibility of a traitor amongst your own, that the cult we hunted down likely had inside people on both sides. In my investigation here and with my friends and fellow expositors,” Beau indicates the Nein over her shoulder, taking a moment to take in the expressions on their faces, particularly Caleb and Jester’s before continuing, “we never found any indication that Essek could have been the person behind this event. We knew it had the potential to be someone high up but we did not know enough about your beliefs and your security to make any connections about could have been high up enough to be responsible for the theft. We only ever were told by Essek that it was important to recover such important parts of your culture and to please return any others we found on our travels to the dynasty. He was in fact helping us dig up information about the possibility of another beacon found by the Empire in Pride’s Call but didn’t want us to get your hopes up without solid proof.”

“Well, we have _solid proof_ that the former Shadowhand handed over our most beloved relics for arcane ‘experimentation’.” Someone in the room scoffs, emphasizing the word like they couldn’t imagine anything more blasphemous.

The Bright Queen holds up her hand to command silence. “Your group is to be detained in your home until we decide your involvement in this incident and whether your continued presence in our city will be tolerated. Dismissed.”

“Wait, but where is Essek?” Jester blurts out as the queen heads back to her seat.

“Dealt with already, his ashes tossed into the wastes to be forgotten.” She waves the statement off like a mildly annoying fly.

The statement is met with loud cries of protest from all of the Nein, the guards reflexively step closer to the group as their voices overlap with protests. All except Caleb who stands there frozen to the spot, all the blood grone from his face.

There is protesting and shouting but Caleb doesn’t hear a word of it. There is a roaring in his ears that he can’t hear around as everything in his brain turns to white fuzz. He remains unresponsive as a hand slides in his and another on his shoulder, when they start to push he follows blindly. Words filter around him in bits and pieces.

“...consecuted right?” Were the words that finally catch his attention again, that’s right consecution! Someday Essek would come back, or maybe if the drow wouldn’t hate him for it maybe Caleb could save more than one person with his goals.

A sharp laugh cuts through Caleb’s thoughts, “That traitor wasn’t consecuted. He failed the ritual and brought shame to the house that had been generous enough to take him, should have tossed him out right then.”

Caleb turns before he’s even registering moving and it takes the combined efforts of Beau, Jest and Caduceus to haul him out of the throne room and back to the Xorhaus. They lead him to a chair that he slumps into and allows his hands to be numbly wrapped around a cup of tea. Beau sits across from him looking awkward and guilty. Veth is standing next to the chair looking like she’s trying to decide if he’ll accept touch right now or not.

“I’m sorry man, I know you two had this wizardy hive mind, was tricked by the Assembly club going on.” Beau finally grits out looking like the words were physically painful to get out.

“Are you?” He replies numbly, sick of fighting the darkness that’s been crawling under his skin calling him to hurt and cut people that way he was. To make them understand the pain he’s sat on for so long, every flinch he kept locked away with every casual accusation they threw out about Essek.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Beau snaps back irritated, rationally he can see that she’s hurting. Knows that under her brash nature she does care about him, care about Essek. But that voice is drowned out by the vindictive streak inside him demanding more.

“It means that you have done nothing but talk about how untrustworthy Essek is for weeks, you haven’t wanted to reach out to someone who we considered our friend. Who was hurting, who was so full of shame he couldn’t look at us, and even then you are so determined to keep him at arms length. What must you think of me if you treat him so poorly.”

His words finally have the desired effect as Beau flinches from Caleb, “Hey man that’s not cool. You were shady as fuck for months after we started traveling together. And you were brainwashed he did what he did fully aware of what he was doing.”

“So what that means I am the only one of us who is not a murderer? Because I certainly wasn’t controlled when I tortured and killed gods know how many ‘traitors’ who were put in my chair. I was fully me when I snapped their fingers and flayed their skin from their bones and relished in their screams. Does that still make me different? Does that still make me more forgivable than him? Someone who felt immediate remorse for his actions and ended his dealings with the Assembly of his own volition over me who was dragged away a deranged mess? What makes him so much worse than me Beau? Or any of the other bastards we’ve shrugged off the terrible actions of. Why did they get a free pass but not him?!” 

He feels Veth’s hands close around one of his and snatches it away, much like Essek had done to him. At least there was one person who had recognized how tainted he was to touch. How undeserving.

He didn’t realize that he’d stood during the tirade he’d given the person who he considered his little sister. The person who now looked up at him eyes swimming with tears, anger and pain and loss and confusion and love flickering across her face rapidly. He recognizes that look. She’d worn the same look when they lost Molly, someone that she had cared about, that they had all cared about, gone without a chance to say goodbye again. The similarities hit home even more after the pain seeing Lucien had been.

Unable to face her Caleb turns away and climbs the stairs until he's in the tower with the tree. Shrugging off his coat and scarf he tosses them aside before reaching up and grabbing onto one of the low hanging branches. He hasn’t climbed a tree without the threat of imminent danger since he was a boy but right now it’s the closest thing he can imagine to resemble freedom now that they’re all under house arrest. He climbs until he can’t see the floor of the room anymore and feels sufficiently hidden amongst the branches, having bought himself a moment of privacy. 

He buries his face in his knees and shakes as he falls apart in the tree, as once again his heart shatters before it could ever be put back together again.

**Author's Note:**

> A couple things that I couldn't find a spot to fit in here: Essek's last words were asking the Skysibyl to say goodbye to the Nein for him, it was Trent who sent in the recording of Essek (yes it was to hurt Caleb), when interrogated Essek told the complete truth and even expressed some suicidal thoughts but then said he knew it wouldn't actually make up for what he'd done and he'd recently learned a new philosophy he was trying about leaving every place better than you found it.


End file.
